• Jan. 17: Cyber sleuths identified a user of the “BitTorremt Network” who was sharing child pornography. By the time AGPD received the information, the scoundrel was already in custody.
• Jan. 19: A caller on the 400 block of Elm Street reported receiving threatening calls from someone in South Carolina. It appears Freddy Krueger has moved.
• Jan. 30: On Bambi Court, someone stole a generator, a pressure washer, and pressure washer wand, and made a clean getaway.
• Jan. 3: Police responded to Albertson’s Market on Quintana where they arrested a woman for alleged shoplifting and being UTI, proving once again you should never go shopping stoned.
• Jan. 6: Police towed off a vehicle in the 1000 block of Quintana for expired tags. Then in the 1100 block of Embarcadero, they stooped to towing off a Moped.
• Jan. 16: Someone broke into the coin box of the public shower at the North T-pier. No word on how much the dirty thief stole.
• Jan. 29: Police responded at 5:50 p.m. to City Park where a bent fellow, 45, was causing a disturbance on an RTA bus. The clocked out coo-coo was tossed to the nick for missin’ the bus.
• Jan. 14: A man claiming to be a federal officer reported being assaulted by employees at am/pm. The employees denied the charges and said that the guy might be under the influence, ya think!?!
• Jan. 15: A 60-year-old woman who was three sheets to the wind, fell off her barstool at Harry’s and hit her head. Paramedics were called to the scene.
• Jan. 28: Some fan of the five-fingered discount grabbed some stuff from Ralph Lauren and ran out of the store. The caller said that she tried to stop the woman and might have broken her own finger in the process.
• Jan. 27: A teenage girl was reportedly bleeding from the eyes at the Pismo Dunes RV Resort. Paramedics were called in but were later canceled for some unreported bloody reason.
San Luis Obispo
• Jan. 19: At 8 p.m. a citizen in the 500 block of Cuesta reported finding seven bags of trash left on his property and he suspects his trashy neighbor did it.
• Jan. 19: A music critic in the 1600 block of Mill at 6:30 p.m. reported loud bass because the neighbor’s all about dat bass, ‘bout dat bass… no treble…” A citation was issued.
• Jan. 19: Police were called at 4:38 p.m. to the 600 block of Higuera where some uncouth transient was raising hell down an alley, upsetting the discerning gentlemen at Patrick James.
• Jan. 19: At 9:34 a.m. police were called to 7-Eleven on Monterey to run off a transient panhandler in grey trousers and a green jacket. The master’s champion left.
• Feb. 3: Some hooligan turd vandalized the men’s bathroom at 1275 Ash St., without anyone noticing until the damage was done.
• Feb. 14: Some people lacking in heart broke into a residence on Printz Road and stole guns, tools, jewelry, and lighting equipment, making for a not-so-happy Valentine’s Day.
• Feb. 2: Police responded at 11:42 p.m. to McDonald’s after some Hamburglar stole a bicycle.
• Feb. 2: Police responded to the 400 block of South Bay Blvd., for a medical emergency you don’t hear every day. “A 65-year-old woman fell and hit her head while attempting to stop her unoccupied vehicle from rolling down an incline.”
• Feb. 3: Police responded at 10 p.m. to a single-car wreck in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. The driver, 60, was arrested for suspicion of wrecking while driving wrecked; his wrecked car towed off by a wrecker.
• Feb. 18: Someone turned in a baseball mitt, no doubt left in error at Lila Keiser Park.
• Feb. 19: Police responded at 2:11 p.m. to the 700 block of Embarcadero where a big dog took an interest in — and a bite outta someone. Police turned the mongrel over to Animal Reg.
• Feb. 13: Someone was drawing and selling caricature drawings by the flagpole at the pier. He had a business license but not for that exact, same, particular spot, and the entrepreneurial spirit dies a slow, painful demise.
• Feb. 12: Two men were reportedly having sex in the bathroom by the pier, but were apparently just fooling around.
• Feb. 27: Police were asked to keep the peace on the 100 block of Dolliver after a guy reported that his ex-girlfriend had put his belongings outside. He picked up what remained of his relationship and left the area.
• Feb. 24: Stoner alert — Two juveniles and an adult were cited for possession of marijuana on school grounds at Arroyo Grande High School, a potential case of higher education at work.
San Luis Obispo
• Feb. 1: At 11 p.m. police got a call from the Vet’s Hall on Grand by a woman who said her boyfriend grabbed her and would not let her return to the party. The 30-year-old fellow was arrested, in the latest example of why love stinks.
• Feb. 1: At 11 a.m. some citizen reported being assaulted at Burger King on Madonna, an apparent case of getting whoppered.
• Feb. 16: Police got a report at 9:13 p.m. from the 1400 block of Foothill where a woman said a man grabbed her buttocks, and then ran off when she spun around and confronted him. Police are seeking the pervert.
• Feb. 16: A citizen called at 7:25 from Johnson and Bishop to report a small, white, Chevy SUV driving on a flat tire. The driver was arrested for suspicion of being over-inflated; no doubt quite the deflating experience.
• Feb. 16: Police were called at 3:22 p.m. to the 1300 block of Garden where an apparently semi-naked, transient man was taking a bath with the outside spigot at the 1st Church of Christ. Ol’ John Doe the Baptist was apparently absolved of his trespass.
• March 11: Some dude was reportedly acting inappropriately toward female patrons at Ralph & Duane’s. The employees asked the lewd lothario to leave, but he refused and punched one of them in the face. A scuffle ensued and the bent fool exited the business with the help of multiple employees. He was found to be too hammered to reasonably care for himself safely, and was taken to the County B&B, where he will be well taken care of.
• March 11: Some All Star was found to be allegedly lying about his identity, in possession of a controlled substance, driving trashed and stoned, and being under the influence of a controlled substance. Upon discerning the scofflaw’s true identity, he naturally had several outstanding warrants, too.
• March 23: School administrators at Arroyo Grande High School alerted police to a student who was asking other students where to buy a gun.
• March 7: At 11:13 a.m. in the 700 block of MBB police arrested another spifficated belle of the ball.
• March 23: Police at the high school put the squeeze on one hooligan who gave up another miscreant so as to avoid criminal proceedings, for as Confucius never said, “It is best to be stool pigeon than jail bird.”
• March 23: A citizen in the 200 block of Capri told police his or her mail was stolen, which is a federal offense, though not yet the death penalty, hey there’s an idea…
• March 23: At 8:38 p.m. police contacted a regular customer, 65, and the forshnicked chick was nicked.
• March 14: A car at North Beach Campground that appeared to be parked for a while had a dog, a wallet, and a crack pipe inside it.
• March 14: Someone on the pier reported a suspicious man who was possibly under the influence and brandishing a knife. Another train wreck was bleeding from the mouth. One arrest was made for drunk in public, which explains a lot.
• March 14: It was a case of misplaced blame on the 2600 block of Solano. A caller reported that a neighbor was harassing him saying that she was associated with law enforcement and that he was a criminal. It turned out that his “record” was actually a rumor started by some gossiper. Stay tuned for the next episode of “As the Beach Turns…”
• March 29: A transient was argumentative with customers at Pismo Bowl. The pinhead was gone when police arrived but came back. He agreed to split and spare them any strikes.
San Luis Obispo
• March 2: Police were called to the 2200 block of Broad where a buzzed fellow stole desserts from The Rib Line, a case of don’t that just take the cake.
• March 3: A burglar alarm sounded at 4:53 a.m. in the 1000 block of Chorro on the storage room at Sal’s Sandwiches. It was baloney.
• March 16: Police were called at 6:42 p.m. to the 500 block of Dana for a trespasser. Some apparently illiterate transient man jumped over a fence posted “Do Not Enter,” as apparently the world is yours when you live outdoors. At 6 p.m. an irate car owner in the 1100 block of Madonna said a guy just whizzed on his car tire and front end, as the world’s apparently your toilet too.
• March 17: At 1:14 a.m., someone in the 1100 block of Madonna sang, “Someone’s knockin’ on the door, Somebody’s ringin’ the bell, Do me a favor, Call the police, Don’t let ‘em in, Oooh-yeah, yeah…”
• March 30: Police responded to the 1000 block of Jane for a reported vandalism. Some little sh*t scratch “Hi Poo” into the passenger-side door.
• April 1: A woman was arrested for seven warrants and alleged possession of drug paraphernalia.
• April 26: A guy in his driveway on the 900 block of Huasna was arrested for being schnockered.
• April 30: Officers responded to a parking problem on the 1400 block El Camino Real and located a stolen vehicle, stolen license plates, and a suspect with multiple warrants. He was parked in Parkinson Plaza.
• April 3: A citizen in the 300 block of Preston reported the theft of San Pedro cactus stalks, this week’s example that people will steal anything.
• April 4: Police marked for destruction a bunch of junk found in the 300 block of Zanzibar, the 300 block of Harbor and the 300 block of Pacific, as the citywide yard sale hangover continues…
• April 12: Police were called at 10:45 a.m. to a construction site in the 2600 block of Ironwood, after workers found an old hand grenade lying in some weeds. Police used their new spy drone to check out the situation from a safe distance and then a bomb technician was called in and the war relic taken away for disposal.
• April 21: Police responded at 1:06 a.m. to a home in the 300 block of Rennel for a report of a man sitting in a puddle of water in his front yard, with water pouring out of the house. The wetted fellow was nicked for being soaked.
• April 9: Suspicious circumstances were reported when a car drove up the first block of La Gaviota and two male passengers got out and placed a box at the front door of a home. They reportedly asked the caller if he was Jewish because they were looking for Jewish people. The men appeared to be Middle Eastern and were both wearing Jewish skull caps.
• April 10: Four guys chewed and screwed leaving a $52.70 bill, which is a lot of food at Denny’s.
• April 10: A customer at Shell Beach Brewhouse was cut off at the bar and got confrontational with the staff. Police were unable to locate Mr. Smashed who reportedly got into a car and drunk drove away.
• April 24: A grandfather in a motorhome on the 800 block of 4th St., reported a family feud between his kinfolks. He said that his grandson was a “spoiled brat who throws a fit when he doesn’t get his way.” He then said that he would handle the situation and hung up. Police were unable to locate the Bickersons.
• April 25: A caller on the 300 block of Dolliver reported that her neighbor egged her car. The egghead was apparently upset because she had been evicted.
San Luis Obispo
• April 13: Police were called to a disturbance at 12:22 p.m. in the 700 block of Francis at Rainbow Auto Painting, where a man was “yelling at no one,” which begs the question, “Then why call the cops?”
• April 14: Police were called at 2:40 a.m. to check the welfare of a man who was laying half in the gutter, half on the sidewalk but apparently all in the bag at Phillips and Toro. The speed bump wandered off before they arrived.
• April 27: Police were called at 8:42 p.m. to Beach and Pismo where a man for the past week has been “livin’ in a van down by the riv-errr!” He’d left before they got there 45 minutes later.
• April 28: Police were called at 2:56 a.m. by a woman in the 600 block of Felton who said two men tried to enter her apartment and they were carrying golf clubs. Police couldn’t tee-up the duffers, who were apparently just playing through.
• May 7: Human bites can be some of the most infectious wounds a body can receive. Surely battery charges were warranted then for the report on the 900 block of Fair Oaks Avenue that reads, “Adult male violated restraining order, bit victim.” Sir Anthony “Hannibal” Hopkins has been accounted for.
• May 7: Those assaults and batteries are in the air. Officers arrested a suspect at Arroyo Grande Hospital 20 minutes after the above case, this time for spitting on a man.
• May 24: An adult student at A.G.H.S. reportedly gave magic mushrooms to a juvenile miscreant.
• May 2: Police responded to the 800 block of Embarcadero at 4 p.m. after they discovered the handiwork of a pair of graffidiots, but they decided not to press charges, as once again evil triumphs because good is a sucker.
• May 3: Some apparently hungry thief broke into a snack shack at the softball diamond at Morro Bay High and stole $50 cash and a bunch of, well, snacks.
• May 16: Police tried to stop a juvenile delinquent who allegedly stole a car from the area of Kern and Ridgeway but took off on a high-speed, albeit short, chase that finally ended with a crash at Kern and Bradley. Logs indicated the rascal was charged with suspicion of car theft, evading a police officer “with wanton disregard for the safety of the public,” and possession of stolen property. He got a room with a view at the new juvenile hall.
• May 9: A noisy generator apparently caused enough ruckus for a disturbance call late in the night near Pismo Avenue and Dolliver Street, grumbling on at a whopping 50 and 60 decibels. Units on the scene reported that traffic on Highway 101 metered at 56 db. Who knew traffic was so loud?
• May 9: Just before sunset someone in the 200 block of Foothill Drive called to say that someone else was flying a drone to spy into people’s windows. The UFO — unwelcomed freaking object — was white with an orange light. No further details however as the original someone did not want to be “contacted.”
• May 20: An elderly woman at Pismo Coast Village was suspected of being disoriented after she told someone that somebody stole her trailer and then replaced everything inside and out. Police spoke to her husband who said she was “behaving normally.”
• May 21: Two, half chickens were stolen from California Fresh Market. The fowl thieves took off in a car.
San Luis Obispo
• May 12: Police were called at 3:50 a.m. to check the welfare of some fellow lying on the grass at Santa Rosa Park. The 21-year-old bump on a log was alive, though dead drunk, and was nicked.
• May 11: Police received a call at 8:54 p.m. from a man in the 100 block of Suburban near The Spice Hunter, who said he needs to go to the hospital because he “did too much acid,” and was apparently having a bum trip.
• May 11: A citizen at Tank Farm and Poinsettia called at 8:30 a.m. because someone had placed his garbage cans too far into the street, an apparent San Loco felony.
• May 25: Police were called at 11 p.m. to the 3700 block of Higuera for a report of a woman having difficulty breathing, as she’d reportedly been strangled.
• May 25: Police got a 9-1-1 call from a frantic elderly woman in the 1200 block of Southwood who was panicked because she couldn’t find her car keys, a possible case of, “Hey lady, maybe you shouldn’t drive.”
• May 26: Police got a suspicious incident report at 6:23 a.m. from a citizen at Sacramento and Orcutt, who said three Mexicans were passing tools over a fence, further proof a wall doesn’t work.
• May 26: A citizen called at 3:58 a.m. to complain about diesel trucks’ air brakes squawking and the other noises of a loading dock at the Sears Warehouse in the 1300 block of Roundhouse between 3:45-4:45 a.m. every morning. No arrests were made, as apparently working for a living, no matter the hour, is not yet against the law.
• June 6: An adult man on probation was discovered on the high school campus reportedly with a knife and a suspected meth pipe. He was flunked out into the hoosegow.
• June 23: Some guy with a meth pipe sitting in plain view was passed out in his truck in Marshall’s parking lot.
• June 23: Three hooligan juveniles reportedly stole a headstone from the cemetery. Everyone move before the lightening bolt hits the little ghouls.
• June 24: A couple was found after hours, sleeping in a park on Elm Street, no word on whether they had nightmares.
• June 3: Police contacted a regular customer, 54, at 7:35 p.m. in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd. A chick got nicked cause she’s thick as a tick.
• June 9: One local yokel had quite a day of it. The 60-year-old fellow was contacted at 6:35 a.m. sitting on his duff at Elena and Greenwood, allegedly so drunk he couldn’t sit up. He was hauled to the gaol to sleep it off. Then at 7 p.m. they responded to a disturbance in the 2500 block of Nutmeg where the same dingus was cuffed on a citizen’s arrest for disorderly conduct.
• June 13: Police responded to Rite Aid where they spotted someone with sticky fingers using the help-yourself aisle.
• June 16: Police responded at 9:34 p.m. to a fast food joint in the 1700 block of Main and towed away a vehicle that some Chalupa abandoned in the Taco Bell drive-thru lane.
• June 30: Police and firefighters responded at 2 p.m. to a public accident in the 500 block of Embarcadero. A woman using a walker got it stuck in a hole and face planted on the sidewalk. She was dusted off and released, the fall documented for posterity and the inevitable lawsuit to follow. Earlier, at 1 p.m. in the 400 block of Quintana, a building jumped in front of a car. No injuries reported, except of course the car.
• June 6: Some guy with bushy red hair was loitering and walking up driveways on Seacliff Drive. His likely story was that he was looking for cigarette butts and would get his butt out of the area.
• June 17: A citizen complained that parking on Dolliver during the car show was forcing pedestrians into the roadway, this week’s case of “Waaahhh!”
• June 19: A dog was left on the roof of Sugar High Studios. The incident was turned over to animal control. In an unrelated case of abandonment, a BOLO was issued for a suspected Boozeheimer, who had left three juveniles at a park 3-hours ago.
San Luis Obispo
• June 8: Police responded at 8:34 a.m. to a restaurant in the 1800 block of Santa Barbara where an apparent worker’s ex-boyfriend showed up, got heated up, and tore out the air conditioner.
• June 9: A woman in the 1200 block of Nipomo asked police to check the welfare of a transient who’s been camping out near her home. He was apparently OK, abject poverty aside.
• June 9: A woman in the 1800 block of San Luis Dr., called at 4:47 a.m. because some guy was outside her house screaming “Help!” He vanished before police arrived, as that was apparently not the kind of help he needs.
• June 22: Someone called at 4:57 a.m. from the 800 block of Escuela Ct., to complain about a Jeep parked blocking the sidewalk, ‘cause the sidewalks are busy at that time of the morning.
• June 22: A frightened woman called at 2:06 a.m. from the 500 block of Buchon and said there was someone or some thing at her front door screen. She only heard the door rattle. Mulder and Scully couldn’t find anything amiss, but the truth is out there…
• June 22: In another X-Files case, a woman called at 12:36 a.m. from the 600 block of Graves, and said when she left she closed the living room windows and when she got home they were open.
• July 22: Some hammered guy was so intoxicated that he fell down walking his bicycle and was unable to care for himself. Cheers!
• July 29: A rooster and a hen made a clucking mistake and got busted shoplifting a rotisserie chicken from Food 4 Less.
• July 1: At 1 a.m. police contacted a suspicious pair at Albertson’s on Quintana. Logs indicated one model citizen, 29, was in possession of drug paraphernalia, his stash apparently gone up in smoke. A 32-year-old woman wasn’t so lucky, as she was nicked for alleged UTI, spending the night in the loving arms of Uncle Ian.
• July 3: Police contacted a 21-year-old woman at 8:08 a.m. in the 700 block of MBB who had three misdemeanor warrants worth an impressive $30,000 bail. Also, a man who was apparently with her was arrested for suspicion of “delaying/obstructing a peace officer’s investigation,” also called being a butt-in-ski.
• July 6: Police were notified at 3:46 p.m. that some numbskull in the lock up had three times violated a criminal protective order, while he was in jail no less, as a restraining order once again shows its effectiveness.
• July 6: Police were called at 8:38 a.m. to the 500 block of Anchor St. A woman said some hooligan vandalized her house with chicken eggs, which is pretty chicken s**t.
• July 9: A tourist woman said she misplaced her keys somewhere in Morro Bay, great, and now she’ll never leave.
• July 23: Police responded at 11 p.m. to a watering hole in the 800 block of Main where a man said he was assaulted by an unknown but apparently angry woman with a big spoon, causing visible injury, an apparent case of thank God it wasn’t a knife. The spoon-wielding would-be assassin apparently escaped.
• July 1: A woman was getting her groove on in the middle of the road on the southbound Price Street onramp. The dancing queen was under the influence of drugs. Really?
• July 2: A female refused to leave the hot tub at the Holiday RV Park. Police convinced the prune to dry off and clear out.
• July 15: A caller on Searidge reported two men flying a drone in the area. They said that they were taking footage for a real estate company. The caller was concerned because his window was open, and his wife was breastfeeding, footage not likely to help sell a house.
• July 15: Juveniles were reportedly hanging out by the gate at the Beach House Inn. No arrests as being teenagers is not yet against the law.
• July 17: A caller on Bluff Drive, who apparently needs a hobby, complained about small scooters in the area and thought that they were in violation of city ordinances because the sign specifically says “Bikes only!”
• July 31: A suspicious man in a car on White Cap was reported for possible drug activity. He was playing Pokemon Go and was an employee of a nearby business, at least until the boss finds out.
San Luis Obispo
• July 6: Police responded to a disturbance at 9 p.m. in the 1200 block of Higuera where a man said there’s a habitual trespasser on his father’s property who keeps damaging the landscaping. No word if he’s an herbivore or plant hater.
• July 20: Police were called at 10:57 p.m. to the 900 block of Higuera where the caller said an employee of Yogurtland went out for break and never returned, which perhaps rude, isn’t necessarily illegal.
• July 20: Police were called to the 200 block of Ramona because a lawn sprinkler was leaking, a hanging offense in these parts.
• Aug. 20: Some sicko was placed under citizen’s arrest on the 1000 block of Grand Avenue when he was caught choking the chicken in his truck.
• Aug. 24: A drunken woman was causing a disturbance in the lobby of the police department, proving smashed people do stupid things.
• Aug. 30: Someone stole close to $12,000 in cash and checks from Lucia Mar School District, as if the teachers don’t make enough as it is.
• Aug. 31: A juvenile was arrested for making terrorist threats against Arroyo Grande High School. Wow, school just started.
• Aug. 5: At 1 p.m. at South Bay and Quintana, police came across someone passed out in a roadside ditch. The toddy stricken fellow was deemed too sozzled to manage for himself and was arrested, a case of going from a life in the ditch to life’s a b*tch.
• Aug. 10: At 7:40 a.m. police paid a wake up call to the homeless in Lila Keiser Park arresting three men and a woman for “illegal camping,” making even the creek no longer affordable housing.
• Aug. 11: Someone turned in some .22 ammo that they were aiming to be rid of.
• Aug. 26: Police received a report from a citizen who said he or she saw a stumblebum stumbling about inside of Albertson’s at 7:35 p.m. Police pulled the hellified gent over and busted him for suspicion of driving with a snoot full on a suspended license to boot.
• Aug. 2: A caller on the 100 block of Narlene reported a car occupied by a young male and female had been parked for about 20 minutes. It turns out it was a date and the girl was being dropped off. They should have parked at Make-Out Point, and, no, this writer does not know where that is.
• Aug. 2: A guest at the Edgewater Inn reported that her ex-husband was holding her hostage. When asked where her ex was, she said that she didn’t know and hung up.
• Aug. 2: A caller on the 200 block of Pier Ave., reported hearing a loud noise shortly after midnight. That morning he noticed his patio umbrella was missing. His neighbor found it in his yard. The caller didn’t think it was picked up by the wind, but thought someone had taken and then apparently abandoned it.
• Aug. 14: The daughter of a man in a car outside of Denny’s reported that a woman had “bitten his finger off.” He declined medical help, so maybe she didn’t bite through the bone.
• Aug. 14: A guy parked on the side of Mattie Road was reportedly kicking women’s clothing into the bushes. He said he was making room in the truck for his dog proving that dogs really are man’s best friend.
• Aug. 15: Two dozen sheep and goats were reported loose on the railroad tracks near the Price House. PG&E workers got some of them to scram but the train had to stop for others. The troll must have been off duty that day and couldn’t gobble them up.
• Aug. 27: A guy behind the Nike store, possibly under the influence, was throwing things and talking to himself, a case of “Just DON’T do it.”
• Aug. 30: An elderly man selling shells and Bibles by the pier was advised that he needed a permit, a totally different outcome than the girl selling seashells by the seashore.
• Aug. 30: CHP transferred a call concerning a car that was driving all over the roadway on Shell Beach Road. The driver hadn’t been drinking but was from another country where erratic driving is apparently common.
San Luis Obispo
• Aug. 3: Police were called at 7:14 a.m. to the 600 block of Foothill to check the welfare of a college kid passed out on a couch sitting on the side of the road, with writing all over his face, in yet another shining example of the value of a college education.
• Aug. 4: Police were asked to check the welfare of someone apparently in distress at 4:28 a.m. at Johnson and Palm. He or she couldn’t be found, so now they’re apparently lost too.
• Aug. 16: A woman called at 4:47 p.m. from Marsh and Santa Rosa and said she’d just been rear-ended and the SOB drove off. Her car wasn’t damaged but there’s the pain, oh the pain, pain in her back and neck…
• Aug. 16: Police were called at 8 a.m. to the 1500 block of Calle Joaquin for a reported assault. An employee at Margie’s Diner said his or her co-worker punched them in the arm several times. A crime report was started and there’s no doubt a job opening or two coming up at the diner.
• Aug. 31: At 10:56 p.m. some sloppy Chalupa was laying in the street by Taco Bell on Santa Rosa. He apparently avoided being a speed bump.
• Aug. 31: Police were called at 10:19 p.m. to the 3700 block of Higuera where some fellow was stripping his clothes off in the sprinklers, as the portable, free showers look smarter all the time…
• Sept. 29: An officer stopped three men who had fled from the scene of a fight at an undisclosed location. The bruisers were all found to be under the influence of liquid brawl and had open containers in a vehicle.
• Sept. 1: Police were called at 12:15 p.m. to a construction site at Quintana and South Bay Boulevard to document that an archaeologist had “found a prehistoric tooth adjacent to what is believed to be an ancient burial site,” no doubt unleashing the Poltergeist as well.
• Sept. 7: Someone found a bicycle in the 600 block of Elena. On the other hand, someone lost a runaway teenager in the 500 block of Avalon.
• Sept. 9: At 2:40 p.m. an apparently forgetful woman told police that someone had stolen her car from the North Morro Rock parking lot. The car was located by Coleman Beach and it was determined not to have been stolen but just misplaced. The airhead and her spaceship were reunited.
• Sept. 14: Police responded to a disturbance at 2:36 p.m. as some zig-zagged woman was causing unpleasantness at the Pleasant Inn. The 34-year-old woman hit for the cycle — suspicion of being UTI on drugs, possession of paraphernalia, obstructing a police officer’s investigation and even disturbing the peace, yet another incident you’ll never see in a travel brochure.
• Sept. 27: Police responded at 5 p.m. to a disturbance at the Post Office. They contacted a man and a woman having some kind of row. Both model citizens had out-of-county warrants and were post marked in County Jail.
• Sept. 30: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:11 p.m. in the 1700 block of Embarcadero. A seasoned gentleman, 86, was arrested for suspicion of driving honked while high on the evil weed.
• Sept 9: A report came in of two men with a rifle shooting rabbits behind the caller’s house on the 1200 block of Longview. Police did not locate Elmer Fudd and his sidekick.
• Sept 12: A caller on the 800 block of Front Street reported two females had been let inside her apartment by her roommate. The women were taking the caller’s stuff outside. Everything checked out OK. It must have been a case of late spring-cleaning.
• Sept. 23: A caller on the 400 block of Bello reported that her neighbors were playing a high-pitched sound that was making the “ends of her hands standup.”
• Sept. 25: Guests at Motel 6 reported others were taking blankets and other items from a room. The person who reported the blanket heist had been drinking and the thieves were not located.
• Sept. 27: A citizen in the 1100 block of Montalban called at 8:23 a.m. to report some transient man asleep on a couch in his courtyard, a case of if you leave it, they will come.
San Luis Obispo
• Sept. 1: At 1 a.m. police were sent to The Library in the 700 block of Higuera for a woman passed out in the ladies room suffering possible alcohol poisoning. She was turned over to someone a little less ripe to care for her.
• Sept. 14: Police were called at 5:16 p.m. regarding a problem juvenile girl at Cypress and High. Logs indicated the 10-year-old hellion was creating havoc while riding a Razor Scooter.
• Sept 15: Police got a noise complaint at 6 a.m. about a septic tank pumper truck behind Grocery Outlet, making a withdrawal and not a delivery let’s hope.
• Oct. 7: A woman with her pants hanging down was waving her hands and talking to herself in front of 7-Eleven. She checked out OK, fashion sense aside.
• Oct. 7: A caller reported that his son had received a Snapchat 2-hours ago that showed someone breaking into a classroom full of computers at Judkin’s Middle School. The potential thief was eating a sandwich out of the fridge and writing on the whiteboard. Nothing seemed to be missing except the sandwich.
• Oct. 9: Four people pulled a chew-and-screw at Denny’s at about 10:45 a.m. One guy, who clearly didn’t want to stand out in a crowd, was wearing leopard print spandex pants, a jean vest with no shirt, and a top hat. Police found them at about 3 p.m. and convinced them to pay the bill, as the food’s even worse at County Jail.
• Oct. 22: Some sloshed dude in the pier parking lot was trying to steal tip jars from vendors, a case of swiping clams at the Clam Festival. A sober person agreed to take the boozeheimer home.
• Oct. 22: Two people driving recklessly and burning rubber in the California Fresh parking lot were tourists from Germany, which doesn’t explain their behavior.
• Oct. 6: Police took a burglary report in the 1000 block of Kennedy Way as someone apparently broke into Dolly’s Donuts, making off with an undisclosed amount of dough.
• Oct. 21: Police encountered a parked car at 10:30 p.m. in Lila Keiser Park and towed it off because the registration was over 6 months past due. That morning at 9:21 they’d stopped a moving vehicle in the 900 block of Main and took that one away because the driver didn’t have a license, as the Dept. of Motor Vultures simply must be fed.
San Luis Obispo
• Oct. 12: Police were called at 11 a.m. to the 500 block of Higuera, for some Barney who was whizzin’ on the wall of Fred & Betty’s Thrift Store. The caveman was gone. And at 7:42 a.m. a transient man was discovered sleeping in the bathroom of Mission Nativity Pre School. That devil was exorcised from the Holy Land.
• Oct. 13: Police were called at 3:49 a.m. to the 1000 block of Foothill by some swizzle stick who said he was walking along by The Student Living apartments, and stumbled over some other apparently sobriety challenged future leader.
• Oct. 13: Another loud party was reported at 12:48 a.m. in the 1200 block of Bond. Logs indicated there were just six Poly students at this party and they were given a cease and de-shut up warning. Earlier, at 11:40 p.m. another loud party in the 300 block of Grand had 12 revelers and that guy was cited. And another loud party at 10:52 p.m. in the 2200 block of Santa Ynez had five Poly kids and that guy too was advised to shadd-up already. But the title this night goes to Lambda Chi Alpha in the 1200 block of Foothill, which earned a citation for a party with 25 Dean’s listers.
• Oct. 26: A man called at 11:22 p.m. and asked police to save him from his aggressive girlfriend — the 52nd way to leave your lover.
• Oct. 26: Police were called at 12:49 p.m. to the first block of Foothill after a power pole ran in front of some drunken dingus at Calvary Baptist Church. The sinner was arrested under the 12th Commandment — “Thou shall not drive deep in your cups.”
• Oct. 26: A man in the 200 block of Margarita called and said his drunken brother was threatening to kill his parents with a knife. Police arrested the apparent black sheep, 32, who cooled his heels in County lockup for DIP.
• Oct. 27: A woman in the 1500 block of Huckleberry said she heard a truck on her street and believes some chuckle berry is casing the neighborhood.
• Nov. 12: The DA requested information for a case where a woman on Hillcrest reported that her roommate had head-butted her and tried to choke her with a scarf. Sleep with one eye open in that house.
• Nov. 25: A guy was stopped after being spotted dumping oil and trash all over the place at Bob’s Car Wash. He was wearing an ankle monitor, as he’s a convicted felon, and was also in possession of tear gas.
• Nov. 4: Two cars went boom at 3; at Piney and MBB; one driver was pie-eye and could get a DUI, if the DAs agree.
• Nov. 9: Police responded to the 900 block of MBB where a 21-year-old Los Osos man reported a suspicious charge on his credit card — for $1, as clearly he knows what’s in his wallet.
• Nov. 4: A caller on the 300 block of Santa Fe reported some meathead stole a tri-tip from a front yard grill, no reported suspects but no doubt the neighbor’s dog is looking guilty.
• Nov. 17: A man staying at Oxford Suites, who might have been drinking, reportedly threatened to kill some of the employees. He also claimed to have killed his girlfriend’s family in Mexico. Oddly, the hotel wanted him evicted. Other men were staying in the room with little mister personality.
• Nov. 20: An injured or sick raccoon was reported near some plants in the Moose Lodge parking lot. The little bandit was gone when police arrived. Maybe it wanted to join the Elks instead.
San Luis Obispo
• Nov. 8: A citizen in the 300 block of Sage called at 5:41 p.m. and said overnight someone siphoned a quarter tank of gasoline out of his or her vehicle, which just plain sucks.
• Nov. 8: Police were called at 2:22 p.m. to the Marigold Center on Broad where a transient woman was riding a bike around in the parking lot and panhandling, which if done on a unicycle would be a circus act.
• Nov. 30: Police were called to the 400 block of Islay where a woman said some scoundrel stole all the lemons off her lemon tree, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Dec. 2: Someone reportedly stole $1,400 worth of vitamins proving that people will steal anything. The health nut was caught on tape.
San Luis Obispo
• Dec. 1: The burglar alarm sounded at 7 a.m. in the 800 block of Monterey at Giuseppe’s, but the alarm company called and said fahgedaboudit, capish?
• Dec. 1: Police were called at 4:26 a.m. to the 700 block of Higuera where a transient man was picking and eating gum off the wall of Bubble Gum Alley, (pardon us while we barf!!!). The screwball apparently did a chew-n-screw.
• Dec. 11: A man on Oak Park near Orchard Supply Hardware was reportedly holding a sign that said, “Need weed.” Ol’ Cheech appeared to be holding the hand of a young child laying face down on the cement. Turned out it was a mannequin, which is still creepy, hey, roll me up another one…
• Dec. 12: A cat on the 300 block of Pismo was reported in the gated area on an unoccupied home. The cat was in the backyard, and police determined it was OK and, perhaps, only seeking attention or, more likely, world domination.