• Jan 30: Reports came in concerning a naked man out for a stroll near New Hope Church. He was found to be under the influence of LSD and was arrested, which probably dampened his hope.
• Jan. 18: Some guy was reportedly choking his wife in a car in the McDonald’s parking lot. Then the son was seen choking the dad. The family that chokes together…
• Jan. 19: A man riding a bicycle with buckets hanging off it rode out of the driveway of Pismo Lighthouse Suites reportedly heavily into his cups. Police didn’t locate ol’ bucket-head.
• Jan. 30: A caller at Pismo Bowl reported a man asking for spare change and striking people funny. He was asked to split.
• Feb 10: A woman on the 600 block of Asilo purchased a magazine from a door-to-door salesperson and apparently buyers remorse set in, so she reported it as suspicious.
• Feb 10: Some brain trust was busted for possession of numerous items, some of which were determined to come from a locked storage unit. As if that wasn’t bad enough he was in possession of heroin, and, wait for it, he brought some of the drug into jail hidden in his shoe.
• Feb. 23: A mother reported that her teen-aged daughter “made odd statements” to her when questioned about touching herself inappropriately. Police said there’s no crime in that.
• Feb. 13: An aggressive solicitor in the 400 block of Ocean Blvd. was advised to get lost. A caller in the 400 block of Indio reported a different pushy guy at the door. And another rude door-to-door salesman was reportedly banging on the door and ringing the bell in the 100 block of Seacliff Dr. Police contacted the manager of the prowling passel of product pushers and informed him of the “No-soliciting” municipal code, and hopefully gave him a quick lesson in etiquette.
• Feb. 13: Police were asked to check the welfare of a guest at the Hilton Garden Inn after an employee received a complaint about a naked man walking around the property. Medics were called in because the guy had intestinal problems, which really doesn’t explain the birthday suit. He was taken to the ER.
• Feb. 13: Two people were vomiting in the backseat of a car. They were able to get a hotel room for the night, but no doubt any back-seat shenanigans were put on hold.
• Feb. 28: A caller on the 2500 block of Spyglass reported that her cat might have been stolen. The feline’s collar was found in front of a room at the Spyglass Inn. A true cat burglar.
• March 28: A woman pulled over for a traffic stop took off on foot, which never works, outside of Supergirl. She was later found to be in possession of drug paraphernalia.
• March 28: A caller followed a man involved in a hit-n-split collision to his house. The guy reportedly backed into his driveway and into the garage door. Loopy, who was found to be under the influence of pain meds, was unaware that a house jumped in front of him and of course, was feeling no pain.
• March 1: A man in a van (down by the river for old-school SNL fans) on the 300 block of Five Cities Drive was trying to get McDonald’s employees to approach the vehicle to buy some undisclosed items. He was having car problems and was advised against trying to make a buck when you’re down on your luck. In other Big Mac news, a caller reported that a man dragged another man onto the sidewalk in front of McDonald’s. The angry McNugget was arrested.
• March 13: Two spatting roommates on the 200 block of Oceanview got into a fight and placed each other under citizens arrest and cited each other. Come and knock on my door…
• March 30: Some crusader on the 300 block of Capistrano said a neighbor had placed a statue of the devil in front of her property, which is creepy but apparently not necessarily illegal.
• March 30: Two people in their 60s outside Surf Side Donuts entered the store and the woman started sucking on a honey bottle and refused to leave. Ol’ Winnie the Pooh was also hitting up customers for money. They were advised to leave.
• April 7: A juvenile on West Branch was in possession of cocaine. Ahhh… youth.
• April 8: Some guy on the 500 block of Ide Street was demanding entry to the home of someone who has a restraining order against him. A woman answered and told him to leave, to which he reportedly responded, “I am Jehovah, and I am here to kill you.”
• April 24: A man on the 200 block of James Way made a citizen’s arrest accusing his brother of battery, as they are apparently past the “I’m telling Mom!!!” stage.
• April 8: A caller on the 1300 block of Costa del Sol blew a fuse when a man came to her door claiming to be an electrician who had a work order for her address. The dim bulb was at the wrong house.
• April 8: Call homeland security, a woman in her 20s and carrying a suitcase was walking near the Hind’s overpass. She checked out OK.
• April 9: A possible DIP (drunk in public) man and woman were reported in Pismo Coast Village. The uncouth fellow was seen rolling in the dirt and then urinated in public. What a catch, no doubt made your momma proud.
• April 25: A homeless man in a wheelchair near Rite Aid was reportedly getting “intimate with a vehicle” — you don’t even want to know…
• April 25: A caller at Starbucks called the CHP to report he was being harassed and some guy was going to kill him. He hung up when dispatchers tried to get more information. It turns out the shebang was over a parking spot. Geez, walk a few feet.
• May 5: Some guy on Ash Street was arrested for driving on a suspended license, possession of drug paraphernalia and probation violation, proving that you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
• May 7: A guy was upset with a low flying bi-plane over the pier. He said it was disturbing the peace and asked police to contact the pilot. A message was left for ol’ Lindbergh.
• May 9: A no doubt cultured man was loitering outside Pismo Yogurt.
• May 10: A snake was outside the lobby of the Quality Inn. It was relocated likely without the continental breakfast.
• May 23: A large swarm of bees was reported in the California Fresh parking lot.
• May 24: A caller on the 800 block of Bakersfield reported that people were making bird noises behind their home. It turns out it was actual birds in a tree.
• June 5: An unconscious man was lying in the street near a running vehicle (missed it by that much) on the 100 block of Rodeo Drive. He later admitted to driving under the influence.squeaky fellows 51 and 55 were tossed to the nick for suspicion of being well oiled.
• June 4: An irate customer was reported at Legg’s Hanes. She reportedly tried to return items that an employee thought might have been stolen. They got into a verbal dispute then the woman pushed the employee giving new meaning to the pushup bra. She was advised against trespassing.
• June 5: Juveniles were throwing eggs at cars on Hwy 1. The two hooligans got cracked and were turned over to their scrambled parents.
• June 6: A man wearing a Superman hat was passed out at California Fresh no doubt an overdose of kryptonite.
• June 6: A caller reported that someone was walking around the place knocking on guest doors. She then threw coffee at an employee because they didn’t want to call police on her behalf to take her to the train station. Typically, “please” works better than throwing a hot beverage at someone.
• June 20: Police were unable to locate a man who was reportedly masturbating by the lifeguard tower north of the pier, which hardly requires lifesaving efforts.
• June 20: A woman on the 300 block of Park was told to go to the doctor and called for an ambulance, but couldn’t remember why she needed one.
•July 4: Multiple DUI arrests were made which made for a few fireworks at home.
• July 14: A woman on Alder brained her boyfriend with a glass causing small lacerations to his head. Officers tamed the shrew.
• July 30: Some junk food junkie broke into the wooden, snack shack in the fenced area of the pool at the high school and made off with about $100 in chips, drinks, and candy. Stock it with vegetables and that won’t happen.
• July 4: An entrepreneur on San Luis Street was selling parking spaces on city streets. He was advised to stay out of the city’s coffers.
• July 11: A woman at Denny’s, who was about 20, was reportedly exposing her breasts and buttocks. She said she needed help because her boyfriend took her clothes and allegedly took advantage of her down at the beach. A sober person was called to take her home.
• July 12: Officers broke a dog out of a car on Cypress that only had the windows cracked. The owners were contacted and the dog was returned to them and hopefully, their nose was rubbed in something.
• July. 29: Two people hanging out by the dumpsters at Pismo Beach Hotel were reportedly smoking ganja. It turned out the stoners were juveniles who were turned over to their proud mama.
• Aug. 15: There was insufficient evidence of someone shooting a pellet gun at a parked car on Sunset Drive, though no one ask the car.
• Aug. 27: The District Attorney requested a report concerning a juvenile playing “ding-dong door ditch” who was chased by the homeowner, fell down and was injured.
• Aug. 28: A man on the 600 block of El Camino Real was arrested for being under the influence and in possession of a switchblade knife — two things that always go well together.
• Aug. 2: A caller reported some pinhead was sleeping on the bench in front of Pismo Bowl but at least he wasn’t a gutter ball.
• Aug. 15: A man entered property on the 900 block of Terry to get water from a hose. He was wearing a poncho but no pants, just underwear. It turns out that he had permission to stay in a shed on the property. Perhaps the agreement needs to include clothing.
• Aug. 15: A woman who was three sheets to the wind at Pismo Bowl, was lying across several chairs and urinating on herself. When police caught up with the human fountain, she didn’t remember her date of birth. When they were ready to haul her to jail, she managed to slip out of the handcuffs, but was caught.
• Aug. 28: Apples were stolen from a residence on the 100 block of Erna Way. Orange you glad we told you.
• Sept. 14: Multiple victims reported thefts from the cemetery. No arrests, as the case no doubt hit a dead end.
• Sept. 27: The upstanding citizen of the day award goes to a woman driver involved in a traffic collision and found to be driving under the influence of drugs, and was in possession of meth, paraphernalia, and the evil weed.
• Sept. 8: Neighbors on the 1000 block of Longview were trashing each other about trashcans.
• Sept. 10: A woman in a home on the 100 block of Seaview was throwing things and was in the building hallway asking where her dog was. She thought her dog was hiding from her, which sounds like a good idea.
• Sept. 11: A woman wearing leopard print pants and bright pink slippers helped herself to the coffee meant for guests at the Sea Venture. Ol’ Peg Bundy claimed she was visiting someone and gave the clerk a bogus room number. She went upstairs and tried to give them the slip.
•Sept. 25: The front glass door at Brad’s Restaurant was broken. Witnesses said two dirt clods threw rocks at it.
• Sept. 27: A cigarette machine was smoking next to the lobby at the Cottage Inn.
• Oct. 1: A caller on the 800 block of Turquoise reported that a neighbor put a beach chair on his roof and set a rifle in the chair. The caller believed the gun was there to intimidate them due to an un-neighborly dispute. As it turns out, the rifle was a BB gun and was used as a prop for a senior photo shoot.
• Oct. 30: A woman on Camino Mercado reported that she was punched in the face by unknown assailant while walking down the sidewalk.
• Oct. 7: Children reported seeing a clown on the 900 block of Shell Beach Road. Ol’ Pennywise did not approach the children nor talk to them, but It apparently scared the heck out of them.
• Oct. 11: A caller on the 100 block of Frances reported a head laceration after being attacked by a hellish cat.
• Oct. 11: A caller reported a man sitting in Starbucks who appeared to be under the influence. He was bouncing in his chair, talking to himself, and trying to light a cigarette. He was told to bounce the hell out of there.
• Oct. 24: A caller on the 1300 block of Costa del Sol reported that her dog was stuck under the bed. Cal Fire came to the rescue.
• Oct. 24: A caller reported that people were seated at the bar at McClintock’s with a baby.
• Oct. 24: The mom of the year award goes to the woman who allegedly stole items from Claire’s and then yelled at her daughter to get in the car. She then took off at high speeds and ran a stoplight. Upon investigation, police discovered the woman had court ordered visitation rights for that day with her daughter and was possibly on her way to drop the child off. She said she had been contacted by an employee and had dumped her purse to prove she hadn’t stolen anything. She also said that she was upset because the employee had put her hands on her daughter to prevent them from leaving. The manager reported seeing her conceal several items and one was revealed when she confronted the woman. En route to County Jail, the woman hit her head on the interior of the patrol car and was unresponsive. She was transferred to Sierra Vista. Stay tuned for another episode of As the Coast Turns.
• Nov. 14: A pillar of society was arrested on the 400 block of Grand Ave., after he was allegedly found in possession of heroin, Suboxone, and drug paraphernalia.
• Nov. 25: A person was arrested for trespassing after police had twice warned him that he was no longer allowed to be at the bus stop unless he was waiting for a bus.
• Nov. 6: A bad egg sleeping in the breakfast area of the Sand Castle Inn was told to scramble out of there.
• Nov. 7: Some chowder head who was reportedly camped out in a car for four days outside Splash Café was told to scram.
• Nov. 7: A caller on the 900 block of Bello reported that a downstairs neighbor was bellowing threats at her.
• Nov. 21: A car was reportedly driving in circles on the wrong side of the road, as well as going in and out of side streets. It turned out to be a newspaper delivery person.
• Nov. 22: Some ballsy cue ball living above Hot Shots pool hall allegedly stole $300 from the cash drawer. The caller said that they had video of the incident.
• Dec. 7: There was insufficient evidence to support a neighbor’s complaint about children on Halcyon being exposed to the evil weed.
• Dec. 8: Some guy got all touchy-feely with himself at the movie theater and was busted for alleged indecent exposure.
• Dec. 3: A citizen at the police station complained that a neighbor has “industrial strength” wind chimes and she can’t get any sleep. Police no doubt said it’d blow over.
• Dec. 6: A caller on the 100 block of Cuyama reported that his son, who lives downstairs, was screaming and throwing things. It turns out he had his music blaring, a case of “I know it’s only rock ‘n’ roll, but I like it…”